Paradoxes of Intimacy
by Jeff Jawer
Most everyone wants love and intimacy, at least we say we do--the
perfect partner, lover, husband, wife, sweetie-pie, main squeeze who's
gonna take away our pain and help us make it through the night. The need
for intimacy is almost universal; only a few monks, sailors, bums and
self-contained souls don't seem to care about it. Closeness, though, has
its price: a loss of self, or at least a temporary loss, one that allows
us to meet another at the depths of our being. To find love, one must be
filled with it already. We can only receive that which we have in us to
receive. If we are full of need and ache from loneliness, we are
unlikely to find that perfect other to ease our pain. But when we accept
our own beauty, our own wholeness and perfection, the other magically
appears. This is the paradox of intimacy. The key is in loving oneself
fully, accepting all that one is, not needing another. Then s/he may
appear.
VENUS
Astrology can be very useful in telling us who we are and how and why we
should love ourselves. Rather than using the natal chart to seek out the
perfect partner, we may do well to further investigate ourselves in
finding love within. Though Venus is known as the planet of love, this
is a somewhat misleading idea. She is rather the channel through which
love flows. The sign she is in describes how we recognize love, as well
as how we can receive it and pass it on to others. The Sun is really the
source of love in the birth chart, the symbol of life, the heart and the
capacity to express oneself. Venus is, in a sense, a modulator or
translator of this solar force.
Venus does not ensure intimacy. She gives expression of our need to be
connected with others. She's like an emotional Mercury--a connector, not
a generator. As such she has certain clear limits; she can evoke deep
feelings, but she herself is not deep. Her function is horizontal in
linking those having sympathetic vibrations. She is the planet of taste,
describing what we like and how we express pleasure.
Venus is not instinctive. She is very strongly conditioned by
socializing forces and describes the kind of behavior that will bring us
approval and acceptance as taught to us by our families. Venus in
Capricorn people learn that respect and accomplishment will bring
approval. Those with Venus in Gemini will be rewarded for their wit and
intelligence. The house position will show us where or in what
circumstances love can be received. Someone with Venus in the 10th House
needs a career or public recognition to accept her or his own value or
worth. Love transmitted through a channel other than that of the natal
Venus will be difficult to fully receive. Telling someone with Venus in
Leo that you love her or him because s/he is productive is not going to
ring any bells. Try that one on someone with Venus in an Earth sign
where it is more likely to be appreciated.
Venus behavior is directed towards others or learned in relationships.
Venus has little consciousness of herself as herself--she knows herself
in relationship to others. She's a compass seeking to guide us to those
who are in accord with her ideals. Venus is, of course, a female symbol.
She is young and beautiful, not old and wise. Her dependence on outward
approval and appearance reminds us of an adolescent conscious of peer
pressure concerning styles of dress, speech and mannerism. Adaptation to
social norms is essential here. Even a rebellious Venus in Aquarius
opposite Uranus is adapting to social norms; she finds her way going
against the current. But the social current is her point of reference.
Individuals who have Venus difficulties in the natal chart, due to sign
or house placement, hard aspects or retrograde motion, may have
difficulty finding a harmonious place for themselves among their peers.
They are not worth less, nor are they inherently less attractive than
others; they simply do not fit in easily with predominant social
standards. Ideally, this can leave them free to discover new forms of
love and beauty.
The symbol of Venus has been likened to that of a hand mirror,
representing the importance of beauty or appearance. As the planet just
ahead of the Earth, she reminds us of our need to journey back to the
Sun, the source of life. This could also be described as narcissism in
that the focus is on finding the beautiful self. It is easy for Venus to
stay stuck at this adolescent stage of development in which pleasure is
her only goal. In her youth she does not know her deeper self, the
potential to move from girl to woman, thus she avoids pain and
discomfort, lacking the emotional resources to deal with them. This
shows us the most superficial sides of love and relationship.
THE MOON
In contrast, the Moon symbolizes a more profound aspect of the feminine.
She is not the uncertain adolescent but the woman whose focus is on
survival, preservation and nurturance. She is not subject to the changes
of style in the way that Venus is. Her intimacy is not in the horizontal
sharing of Venus, but in the total giving and receiving of the mother
and child. The Moon represents the vertical relationship in which one
gives to another without respect to likes or dislikes. It is not even a
question of duty (that is in the domain of Saturn). It is pure instinct.
With Venus we have the relationship of two separate individuals. With
the Moon, this separation is not evident. The Moon carries with it the
memories of the past and the need to perpetuate the future through
nurturing, caring and feeding. Venus indicates what we like; the Moon
shows us what we need. This essential difference is often lost in the
moment of connection with another person. But this difference is an
important one in understanding the potentials of any given relationship,
for if we stay at the level of Venus we may like the taste in our
mouths, but still feel empty in our bellies. It is as if Venus were made
of sugar. A diet of sugar will not sustain life for a long time, even if
the palate is highly stimulated. The constant pleasure of the sugar will
give way eventually to a deep hunger for something more solid, something
more essential. This is what the Moon shows us in the natal chart as she
describes what we need to be fed on an emotional level. Without this,
the most beautiful of relationships will not sustain itself. Until we
reach the level of the Moon, profound intimacy and closeness is not
possible.
Part of the challenge for astrologers is that the symbolism of the Moon
and Venus is not clearly defined. Both are receptive, feminine and
relationship-oriented. The depth of the Moon and its unconscious needs
can get lost in analyzing charts with respect to relation ships.
Difficult aspects between Venus and the Moon are not well delineated. We
tend to think that they are two nice, gentle planets and, therefore,
cannot create complications for one another. This is far from true. The
relationships between Venus and the Moon in a natal chart is a vital
clue to understanding the interaction between likes and needs. On the
level of early childhood experience, Venus may show us what kind of
social behavior was valued. The Moon, less evident but even more
important, describes the emotional atmosphere behind that social
behavior.
Few of us are sufficiently evolved to have Venus in perfect harmony with
the Moon. Trines, sextiles and conjunctions between the two indicate
similarities, but even in the best of cases it's virtually impossible to
bring the two of them together. In fact, this may not even be desirable.
The goal, rather, might be to become conscious of their differences so
that we know which role we are playing, which part of ourselves we are
working with at a given moment.
For those with Venus and the Moon in conflict, whether astrologically by
aspect or simply by knowing that your tastes do not match your needs,
the source might be seen in the family. Were social behaviors at odds
with deeper feelings? With Venus in Aries and the Moon in Cancer, mother
may have encouraged independence. Perhaps she even appeared abrupt with
others. However, it is likely that she also had very strong needs to
belong, as shown by the Moon in Cancer. Tough on the outside, Aries, and
tender on the in side, Cancer, might be one way to describe this. The
complication is that Venus' Aries placement would not easily permit the
more sensitive parts of the Moon in Cancer to show. How can we get close
with others if we think we have to act independent to be liked, yet have
a profound need for belonging? This challenge is best met by
acknowledging that one's penchant for dynamism or spontaneity in
relationships (Venus in Aries) does not deny the incredible sensitivity
of the Moon in Cancer.
Astrologer Zipporah Dobyns has said that the difficulty between planets
in conflict is one of choosing which is correct in a given situation.
Neither is better nor worse than the other. Hard aspects may simply show
us the challenges in changing from one kind of behavior to another.
Learning to make the shift from Venus in Aries to the Moon in Cancer can
be difficult, but the reward is to be able to include a wide range of
behavior in your personality. All conflict in a chart offers this
challenge and a potential for diversity and richness of character.
Intimacy begins with the Moon. She is the body closest to the Earth and
symbolizes the most intimate of relationships--that of mother and child.
It is an instinctive relationship in which two beings are in the closest
physical contact. The fetus is totally dependent upon the mother. She is
changed physically by the life within her and must respond. If not, the
life of the baby and the mother can be threatened. The Moon represents
this potentiality for closeness. Of course, a relationship based
primarily on the Moon may not be very stimulating. It lacks the dynamism
of the Venus-based horizontal relationship (which also includes a bit of
Mars). We have already been in the womb, so we don't need to reproduce
this kind of total dependence upon another. If we deny our emotional
needs of our Moon, however, and rest on the level of Venus, we stay
forever next to one another but never inside one another. It seems
clear, then, that both Venus and the Moon are important for
relationships. Let's take a look at how they might work in combination.
The following does not take into account all of the complexities of
Venus and the Moon but uses the four elements to give us an overview of
their possible dynamics.
VENUS IN FIRE SIGNS
When Venus and the Moon are found in Fire, the key ideas are
independence, self-expression, spontaneity and discovery. The goals are
not those of security and familiarity, but risk and change. This
combination is not typical of the Moon/Venus archetypes, thus it may be
a bit more difficult to integrate into the social patterns of our
culture. The constant need for stimulation and newness puts pressure on
the relationship to provide excitement. Without this challenge, the
relationship can easily become boring. Evidently, the family pattern in
childhood was such that independence and "flash" were valued. This can
give the impression of great openness, but this does not easily support
intimacy. Ideally, someone with this combination will find a partner who
is also independent, allowing for separations and the excitement of
renewal with each return. These positions also suggest the possibilities
to create new kinds of unions with others.
When Venus is in a Fire sign and the Moon is in an Earth sign, the
contrasts are clear. Venus in Fire can appear spunky and dynamic,
willing to take risks. The Moon in Earth, however, tends to be somewhat
conservative. One wants excitement, but needs a solid material base for
emotional well-being. This could correspond with a mother who was very
socially expressive but actually rather guarded in expressing her needs.
Both Fire and Earth like to appear confident, but Fire does this through
action and Earth through patience. A barrier to intimacy can be the fear
of expressing one's material or comfort needs. If one believes that the
openness of Fire brings love, s/he can find it difficult to show the
more mundane parts of him/herself. But it is this very solid emotional
base, this sincerity and certainty, that can nurture the fiery and
outgoing Venus.
When the Moon is in an Air sign and Venus in Fire, there is harmony,
according to traditional astrology. While there is some truth to this,
there are some considerable differences between these two elemental
placements. Fire wants to act, to be spontaneous, while Air likes to
think, to watch. With Venus in Fire, all of that charm, energy and
warmth comes out when people are around. The illusion is that the
feeling is going to endure. While this may be more true with Venus in
Leo, the fact is that Fire is a specialist in the now. Tomorrow is
another day. The Moon in Air is rational and uses the mind to keep a
distance. The emotional need is to understand what's happening, but this
position can leave someone feeling separate from the action. The likes
of Venus in Fire are not so easily met by this lunar position, the
warmth being supported by the cool. Initial enthusiasm is present, but
it is thought which closes the story.
With Venus in Fire and the Moon in Water, we are dealing with a highly
dramatic situation. Water and Fire are a powerful and primal combination
which has little interest in reason or practicality. The tension can be
high as Venus in Fire likes the action while the super sensitive Moon in
Water needs to protect itself at all costs. Blowing off steam to get
some distance is one way this might be done. The overt confidence of
Venus in Fire is not necessarily matched by the more vulnerable Moon
placement. The need to be long is strong with the Moon in Water, but
Venus in Fire often attracts independent partners. The Moon in Water
needs a certain amount of confidentiality and discretion, not the
strength of Venus in Fire. The dynamic here can be of advance and
withdraw, often confusing others. That initial daring of Venus in Fire
can appear so sexy and freewheeling, but the Moon in Water may get
clingy or even turn off at the critical moment.
VENUS IN EARTH SIGNS
Venus in Earth signs basically indicates that material values and
comforts or success in the world are elements that contribute to one's
sense of self-worth. Love in the family may have been strongly connected
to accomplishment, expertise or self-control. This is not the most
dynamic place for Venus. Her essential need for others may crystallize
under the weight of earthy expectations. However, there can be a
sincerity or solidity here that can be very real and reassuring. When
the Moon is also in Earth, both the need for comfort and the existence
to compromise is raised. This does not make for the most exciting of
relationships, but it can build steady ones able to endure for long
periods of time. Safety, rather than discovery, is emphasized here.
Having these two planets in the same element can reduce internal
contradictions, but at the same time it can limit one's options with
others. Ideally, there will be other placements in the chart that show
flexibility to provide balance. Mystery is not present here, which, at
its best, brings honesty and clarity. At its worst, it can inhibit
romance and discovery.
Venus in Earth with the Moon in Air is a very rational combination.
Every detail of Venus in Earth's particular requirements can be
explained logically. Of course, the other side of the Moon in Air is its
capacity to see options. In this combination, the Moon may feel trapped
in limited social forms of expression, feeling that alternatives exist.
The challenge is to combine these practical Venus qualities with some of
the idealism of the Moon in Air. On the other hand, Air is not
particularly realistic. This means that childhood demands for practical
behavior were not met with the kind of emotional stability one would
then expect. The external form of relationship does not match the inner
experience of feeling. It is somewhat like being a bird in the body of
an elephant. One must walk carefully and be sensitive to the weight of
social interaction while having visions of flight in her/his mind. If
the social pressures or limitations of Venus in Earth are too rigid, the
flight is through the mind, and intimacy becomes very difficult.
Combining day-to-day reality with good clear communication can help cut
through this potential problem.
With Venus in Earth and the Moon in water, we find ourselves once more
with a theoretically compatible couple. The biggest difference, though,
is between the stability of Earth and the emotionality of Water. Water
needs to feel, to be connected, to go beyond the boundaries of
separateness. Earth prefers well-marked landscapes with fences or walls,
if necessary, to keep everything in its place. Mother may have taught us
to appreciate the practical things in life, but she also passed on the
message that feelings count, too. All of the material security in the
world will not replace the intimacy that can come from letting someone
feel our most private places. The Moon in Water needs mystery and the
unspoken inner life. Venus in Earth is rewarded for controlling all of
that and keeping us out of the dark places. It is in the dark, though,
that union occurs, in that place where all barriers dissolve in the
meeting of the unknown. With Venus in Earth, one might like clarity and
control, but without the depth and intensity of Water there is little
likelihood for fulfillment.
Venus in Earth and the Moon in Fire is a very extreme situation. Fire
needs drama and excitement while the Earth is just the opposite.
External calm and practicality can be expected of the Venus in Earth
person. But what does s/he do with that inner need for risk, for
excitement? Earth is bound up in social rules which the Moon in Fire
barely understands. The law of Fire is a divine law, above that of
earthly constraints. This combination can produce relationships which
work practically on the outside while allowing emotional autonomy on the
inside. This is excellent for productivity, but not the easiest for
intimacy. There is not much space for dialogue here, nor for
abstraction. There is matter, and there is activity. Expectations of
proper social behavior may have masked deeper emotional needs for
freedom of expression. We may feel that we were given mixed messages
about relationships because of this contradiction. Choosing the right
circumstances to express one's more "wild" side might be appropriate
here.
VENUS IN AIR SIGNS
Venus in Air is generally associated with forms of love and approval
that are derived from mental constructs. Whether it is communication
(Gemini), sharing (Libra) or belonging to a higher ideal (Aquarius), all
of these produce idealized "pictures" of correct social behavior. Air
has a quality of creating images which lie in the head, not in the heart
or in the guts. Venus in Air can make it difficult to get in touch with
our feelings on these levels, making contact with the less socialized
Moon all the more difficult. The Moon is essentially beyond reason.
Venus can be quite reasonable, but she is in some ways a bridge between
the mind and the emotions. When she is in Air, the mental is strongly
favored.
The combination of the Moon and Venus in Air emphasizes rationalization.
This can be an individual who understands relationships on an
intellectual level but has difficulty dealing with the uncertainties of
real relationships. Accepting one's own dirty little secrets can also be
difficult for Air. There is that idealized image to uphold and a desire
to escape from that which is base or ordinary. Individuals with the Moon
in Air can be very good at talking about their feelings. It is in
feeling them that they can have difficulties. The passage through the
dark tunnel of the unknown, unexplainable and emotional can easily
escape the Moon in Air person. The taboo subjects of life are difficult
here as mother often taught us to understand and rise above them. Direct
experience on an emotional level may be as strange an idea as breathing
on another planet. For Moon/Venus in Air types, intimacy is about
talking, about ideas and ideals, and less about their own feelings.
Fusion, too, would be a bit strange, as Air likes to keep its distance
to see clearly.
Venus in Air and the Moon in Water mixes an idealized image of
relationships, even a kind of surface cool, with a depth of passion and
feeling which may seem out of place, certainly out of control. The
social values of Venus in Air depend upon good will and love for all of
humanity (or at least tolerance of differences). The Moon in Water,
though, is highly subjective and needs to feel what it feels without
rational judgment or expectations. What one sees on the surface here is
often someone open and friendly. As we come closer, the Moon in Water
begins to express itself and can snap at those for whom it has no place.
There is a need to nurture the instinctive and the non-rational, even as
rational ideas are outwardly expressed. Combining these two requires
recognition that ideals are to be respected, but feelings come first.
When both are in play, intimacy can be available in a wide variety of
relationships.
Venus in Air and the Moon in Fire is another theoretically compatible
couple. The contradiction is that Venus in Air is objective, while the
Moon in Fire is highly subjective. The freedom needs of the Moon in Fire
do not easily correspond with the idealism of Venus in Air. One wants
communication and the other wants to be her/himself. There is also the
contrast between ideas and action, which was mentioned earlier in this
article. The combination of Air and Fire often gives a great deal of
charm and vitality. Again, though, intimacy or letting others in may not
be so easy. Early childhood training may have emphasized good manners
and communication skills for Venus in Air, but in the background was an
emotional quality of explosiveness or non-rationality. The dynamic of
Air and Fire here can be one of trying to contain the individuality and
unpredictability of the Moon in Fire by proper social behavior. A key to
closeness is allowing the Moon's "dangerous" intensity to show itself
from time to time, rather than having it muffled by the white-gloved
Venus in Air.
Venus in Air and the Moon in Earth combine elements of the ideal and the
real. At its best, this combination has a clear and calm approach to
relationships, which may allow for solidity and a certain steadiness.
Conflicts may arise over the differences between Venus in Air's sense of
justice versus the Moon in Earth's inherent selfishness. The Moon in
Earth needs to respond to its direct senses and physical needs. Even if
a Moon in Virgo or Capricorn has a sense of responsibility towards
others, this comes from direct contact or feeling. Venus in Air deals
with abstractions, ideal models or socially appropriate forms. The
liberal Venus meets the conservative Moon in this coupling. What you see
on the outside may not be reflected in the more self-protective Moon in
Earth. Ideals espoused in the family may not have been fully lived out.
Venus in Air is not going to be matched in its idealism by the Moon in
Earth. We talk a good relationship, but we take care of ourselves. A
willingness to communicate the material needs and fears of the Moon in
Earth can keep it from being isolated from one's relationship life.
VENUS IN WATER SIGNS
Venus in Water is one of the most interesting placements because she is
in the element of the Moon. Individuals with Venus in Water tend to be
nurturing and warm in their relationships with others. This, however,
can be one of the most misleading placements if the Moon does not share
the same commitment to intimacy. Water is present on the social or more
superficial level. There can be great disappointment if the person with
this placement attracts those who expect emotions to work at a deeper
level.
When Venus and the Moon are both in Water, we have the potential for the
most intimate of relationships. Both the social conditioning and the
unconscious emotional patterns tend towards feeling at its deepest. One
of the difficulties with Water, though, is its reluctance to stand back
and look at what s/he is feeling. This can make communications more
difficult. A watery syndrome is one that suggests if you love someone
you shouldn't have to explain your feelings: "If you really love me, you
should be able to read my mind." The desire to keep relationships at
this intimate and mysterious level may inhibit their growth. The goals
here are closeness, fusion and loss of self-identity. While this does
bring us nearer to our traditional ideas of "true love," it does not
necessarily foster personal awareness. Everything works best in its
proper proportion. With both Venus and the Moon in Water, one can swoon
in romanticism, crash and burn, then rise again if and when the wounds
have healed sufficiently. Closeness does not mean smothering or loss of
self; such are the dangers here. Anything that encourages objectivity is
helpful.
Venus in Water with the Moon in Fire can exemplify the individual who
expresses a tremendous amount of warmth, even love, but can still be
hard to get close to. The Moon in Fire is not easy to penetrate. Its
power is in giving warmth; receiving it can be much more difficult. The
Moon in Fire does not easily show its needs, even as Venus in Water can
behave in a way that suggests such is possible. The conflict here is
that one wants close relationships but has great need for internal
freedom. The form is intimate while space still needs to be kept for the
self. This can come from a childhood in which one learned how to be kind
and caring for other people, but still had to respect mother's
independence (or even dominance). There can be confusion about the
feminine as the social behavior is so sensitive, but there is still an
unspoken feeling of distance with respect to mother. Again, with Fire
the strength is in expressing or giving, not in receiving.
Venus in Water and the Moon in Earth deals with a similar pattern, but
one much less dramatic. The intensity of Water and Fire is of the
highest order. With the Moon in Earth, though, the underlying emotional
need is to keep things at a reasonable level of control. Even if the
Moon in Virgo or Capricorn can be a bit grumbly, it doesn't want to
break out into the kind of drama of the Moon in Fire. With Venus in
Water, there is also some desire to have things move harmoniously. But
Water does not easily allow this to happen with out some element of
emotional involvement. So, again we see the warm outer form of Venus in
Water, but below that lies the more arid region of the Moon in Earth.
One may act in a compassionate manner, but the Moon in Earth keeps an
eye on the bottom line and does not want to lose control. We could
describe this as the hard center and the soft exterior. Since the Moon
in Earth has to deal with practical considerations, she cannot make room
to take care of everyone for whom Venus in Water has feelings.
Venus in Water and the Moon in Air can be wonderful for talking about
and understanding relationships. The closeness of Venus in Water can be
balanced by the objectivity and distance of the Moon in Air. Air is not
distant in space, just in feeling. It can be present and alert, but just
not feel very solid. This can be disappointing for those searching for
the nourishment of feelings with which Water is associated. That
sensitive behavior of Venus in Water seems to evaporate in the cool
logic of the Moon in Air. One wants to be touched; instead, one gets
explanations. The Moon in Air wants so much to understand its emotions
that she doesn't much like having them. They are filtered through
reason, which may feel wonderful to some, but empty to those tempted by
the juiciness of Venus in Water. We approach and then find ourselves
gently set aside with clear thoughts and words.
The descriptions given of the Moon and Venus by element are suggestions
and ideas, not formulas. Everyone is going to express her/his Venus/Moon
combination differently. The essential idea, though, is to begin to
recognize the difference between the two. Obviously, if we stay on the
level of Venus, there may be a failure to fulfill the even more
essential needs of the Moon. We could restate this by saying that the
form of our relationships with others (Venus) must accommodate the
emotional needs of the Moon, which are sometimes more difficult to
identify. Certainly, for many of us, the Moon is a less conscious
process, one closer to the soul, the indefinable part of ourselves that
nourishes the life force. While Venus provides us with the beautiful
container, much of what fills our relationships will come from the Moon.
The planetary level of interpretation is one aspect of astrological
analysis. The houses provide us with yet another framework in which to
understand ourselves and our relationships. Traditional astrology offers
us the 5th House as a place of romance, the 7th as the house of
relationships, and the 8th as the house of sexuality. I want to address
primarily the relationship between the 7th and 8th Houses, but first a
few words about the 5th House.
THE 5TH HOUSE
The 5th House lies below the horizon and is thus associated with a
process of self-expression. It is not very conscious of others in a
specific way, so it cannot be considered a house of relationship. When
the 5th is described as a house of love affairs, I think we can be a bit
misled. There is not another person present yet. This meeting occurs
only at the cusp of the 7th House at the western end of the horizon. The
"love affairs" of the 5th, then, are more those of the imagination, a
kind of adolescent theater of behavior that is not inclusive of the
other. The idea that the 5th is a house of self expression may help us
understand this. It is a performance, a way in which the youthful heart
expresses itself. But again, it is not about love for another but rather
one's personal way of demonstrating the zest for life and the creative
force that lies within us all. Therefore, an emphasis on the 5th House
without corresponding weight in the 7th and 8th Houses can indicate a
one-sided and often naive approach to relationships. It is what one does
rather than what others do or want that counts. While this can be very
useful for self-expression, it has little to do with the two-way
communication which makes relationships work.
THE 7TH AND 8TH HOUSES
The 7th House marks the point at which we become conscious of others as
equals. In traditional astrology, the 7th is the house of marriage or
partnership. That it is also the house of open enemies speaks to the
paradox of relationships, that is, the attraction to and the competition
with others. A deeper understanding of the 7th House may come from
looking at it in relationship to the 1st House or Ascendant. We see
ourselves in our Ascendant. Naturally, then, we seek our complement in
the 7th (or Descendant). An image of self is completed through the
qualities present in the 7th House. The key word here is image,
differentiated from the word "substance."
The substance of self, on the level of the houses, is reflected by the
energies present in the 2nd House, also known as the house of resources.
Our material possessions and sense of self-worth may be seen here.
Therefore, there is a progression from the 1st to the 2nd House. It is
the progression from surface to substance. It is natural that we tend to
identify more with the surface because that's what is most visible. The
same pattern exists on the other side of the horoscope with the 7th and
8th Houses. When we focus, then, on the 7th House in relationship
analysis, we deal more with the outer form than the inner substance or
body of the relationship. This is shown more clearly by the 8th House.
The 7th House may represent the meeting of the "other." The 8th House
indicates fusion with another or union at a greater level of depth or
intimacy. It is interesting that the 8th is also associated with death
or transformation. This is the magical process that takes place when
true union is formed. Each of the partners is changed individually, and
a third entity, the union, is formed. The 8th is also properly the house
of sexuality, which can be associated with union and transformation.
Another way to view the 8th House is through its opposition to the 2nd
House of one's own worth or resources. The 8th refers to the resources
of others and, I believe, more importantly the approval that we need
from others. For example, if Capricorn is on the cusp of the 8th, we
need our sense of authority or status approved by others.
The paradox or problem is to meet the needs of both the 7th and 8th
Houses. As they are often tenanted by different signs as well as (in
some cases) different planets, this can seem to be problematic. For
example, if one has Cancer on the 7th cusp, the ideal partner may be
seen as intimate, sensitive, inner-oriented and self-protective. Leo
might then be on the 8th House cusp, which would demand a bolder, more
risk-taking partner. There are several ways in which one may deal with
this. One is to opt for the 7th House and try to forget about the 8th.
After all, real intimacy or fusion can be so threatening as to be
undesirable anyway. In rare cases one might opt for the 8th House and
ignore the qualities of the 7th. This might occur when important planets
are in the 8th while the 7th is untenanted. Generally speaking, though,
we feel more comfortable dealing with image than with substance. Less
change is required and deeper emotional issues can be avoided in this
way.
The price for staying at the level of the 7th House and avoiding the 8th
is that of loneliness. Even if we live with someone for 30 years, if we
don't cross the threshold from the social form of the 7th House into the
crucible of transformation of the 8th, we will feel alone. We may
protect ourselves from the intense pain of facing our deepest fears, but
at the same time we die a little every day as we close the door to true
intimacy and companionship.
Ideally, we can meet the diverse needs of houses 7 and 8 by dealing with
process and accepting that relationships and human beings are dynamic.
The Sun does not stay in Leo for two months, for example. It transits
from Leo to Virgo. This suggests that the zodiac, and life, is a process
of movement. If one has Leo on the cusp of the 7th and Virgo on the cusp
of the 8th, the idea is that relationships (on the level of the houses)
evolve from Leo to Virgo. This could mean that beginnings or surfaces of
play and creativity evolve into perfected working forms that bring about
deep union. What is Leo becoming Virgo? What is Aries becoming Taurus,
or any other sign pair? This kind of synthetic understanding of process
is essential to raising your astrology above the level of static and
limiting interpretation. It is also the kind of dynamic thinking that
raises the level of one's relationships from categorical cliches to
living experiences.
If there are planets in the 7th and 8th Houses, they will also help us
understand processes of development in relationships. Saturn in the 7th
and Jupiter in the 8th suggests that initial limits or testing can bring
clarity to allow opening and discovery later. Jupiter in the 7th and
Saturn in the 8th could indicate that initial openness may be followed
by closing or fear. A more positive interpretation might say that
initial optimism about relationships may give one the confidence to do
the hard work necessary to achieve deep union. The possible
combinations, of course, are infinite when we add aspects, house rulers,
etc. The key, though, is a flexible and open approach which seeks to let
in as much as possible, rather than closing down and finding the one
"right" answer about the perfect other. The fact is that the perfect
other exists in you. If you can accept and love yourself, love will come
to you. If you cannot accept love for your self, you are unlikely to
find the perfect partner to make it all happen for you. The good news is
that you don't have to convince others of your worthiness, only
yourself--from that, all you need will come.
The 8th House describes the rewards we can get in an intimate
relationship, but it also portrays the price we must pay. Thus, if
Sagittarius on the cusp of the 8th House promises wisdom, adventure and
learning, it will be through your own willingness to be adventurous,
honest and wise that this will come to pass. This amounts to withdrawing
projection and finding all of the houses of your chart within yourself.
Projection is the search through others for those parts of ourselves
which we cannot consciously find or accept. The 7th and 8th Houses are
strongly related to projection, as we have a tendency to search for the
energies here in our relationships. Again, the irony is that when we act
out these houses with others that energy is returned to us in satisfying
ways. When we fail to incorporate the energies of our 7th and 8th Houses
(and the rest of the chart, for that matter), we tend to create
relationships that will not endure or which inhibit our capacity to be
fully functioning beings.
Relationships, at their best, enable us to go outside ourselves to
awaken that which is dormant within us. Michael Lutin's book Made in
Heaven?: The Astrology of Relationships Real and Ideal (Ballantine,
1987) deals with this idea in a very interesting way. Simply put,
Michael suggests that we seek our opposite for qualities that we don't
see in ourselves, that we are initially attracted by this. Some one with
a Taurus Ascendant, for example, may be fascinated by the intensity and
emotional control of a Scorpio. But, Michael writes, if we don't
incorporate that Scorpio intensity or quality in ourselves, we will
eventually reject the other for the very reasons that attracted us in
the first place. Fascination or attraction turns to rejection when the
behavior is not incorporated within us. We could say that the
projection, in this case of power or sexiness, can begin a relationship
but cannot sustain it. If relationships continue without this withdrawal
of the projection, the partners do not function as full human beings but
become partners in a dependent relationship that does not foster growth.
Oppositions between planets are also frequently indicative of
projection; we tend to identify with one of the planets in the
opposition and project the other. Normally, we will project the planet
that is most difficult to integrate in ourselves. We tend to project
outer planets in opposition to inner ones. Males tend to project
"female" planets and vice versa. We will project planets that do not fit
into the value systems of our families or cultures--those that do not
easily integrate with our Sun, Moon or Ascendant.
One of the common examples is that of Venus in Aquarius opposite Pluto
in Leo. The individual will tend to identify with Venus, the personal
planet. Venus in Aquarius may see itself as friendly, open, idealistic,
non-possessive and without guile. Often, however, very Pluto-type
partners are attracted. That is to say, strong-willed, jealous,
manipulative or dishonest individuals often come into the life. The
person can feel that s/he is an innocent victim of this unpleasant Pluto
character.
Obviously, if the pattern continues, it should remind the person that
Pluto is an important part of her/his relationship picture. S/he is not
the victim, but rather a participant in a story of the balance between
coolness and intensity, freedom and possessiveness. When the individual
withdraws the projection and can see her/his Pluto needs (i.e., power,
intensity, struggle), it is less likely that these qualities will have
to be brought in unpleasantly by others. Pluto with Venus implies
relationships which go to the depths and transform old patterns about
love, beauty and self-worth. The pain comes from attachment and is
alleviated when one can consciously and willingly participate in change.
The 7th and 8th Houses and oppositions are all indicators of who we can
be in relationships. Playing the parts of our signs and planets enables
us to choose our place and to participate from a position of power, not
from that of the victim. Saturn in your natal 7th House does not mean
that you must be disappointed in relation ships. It means that you need
to develop integrity, authority and clarity to build relationships that
will serve you. Every dilemma in the horoscope includes its own
resolution. The very planets that appear to present problems also point
the way to fulfill your needs and succeed in your life. The challenge is
to be open enough to find ways to bring in the creativity to do this.
We have certain myths about relationships that are difficult for all of
us. The "happily ever after" story is one that creates expectations of
perfect love that few of us can find. All relationships are based on
tension and harmony. The tension is in the meeting of two individuals
who must retain their own individuality to retain separate identities.
The harmony comes from the exchanges, the sharing that opens doors to
feeling and discovery. On one level, Venus represents the ideal of this
harmony, the capacity to live as a couple. Mars may represent the part
of us that actively asserts our will to act individually. We could say,
then, that a relationship is not Venus, nor the Moon, nor the 7th or 8th
Houses. It is a dance, a moving to wards another and a moving back
towards the self. Venus and Mars, the Moon and the Sun, the Ascendant
and Descendant are all expressions of this.
Without movement, without the dance, there is only sameness, dullness
and death. It is for each of us to find the elements of successful
relationship. This relates to ourselves as well as to others. How do you
dance with yourself? How do you move towards your light parts, your dark
parts, your in-between parts? Can you be flexible and accept change? Do
you grow and learn? Do you defend yourself against fear by closing down,
or do you allow it to teach you about yourself? These are among the
essentials of loving and relating to others. Be as gentle with yourself
as you would be with the most precious of lovers. And be open to the
mysteries that unite, divide and bring us back again to the heart from
which life flows.